Aah so it's one of THOSE posts. Last night SP informed me that he wasn't getting enough sex and didn't want to be in a marriage like that, and said that getting 'outside sex' (ie. With another person, which I told him nearly a YEAR ago that he could do) would not make a crappy sex-life better.

I said we didn't have a crappy sex life, and that it was great when we DID have sex, but hey... I'm only 6 weeks out of 2 major surgeries, gimmie a break on THAT for a start.

I told him I loved sex with him, didn't want sex with other people, know the 'grass isn't 'greener' and that not having enough sex is a shitty and immature reason for getting a divorce.

Lately (3 months?) he has been feeling very insecure and 'un-loved' because he is approaching the big SIX-OH this year and is always complaining about age-related things... that *I* think he's not attractive anymore, that I don't care for him anymore – all stuff that is totally in his head because we're not as physically close as we were before. I can't imagine ANYONE wanting to be physically close in a sexual manner at least, after having their genital bits and pieces poked around with during pretty brutal surgeries.

On that note, we had sex less than SEVEN DAYS after my surgeries. They recommend waiting at least TEN days. When HE had surgery, I had to wait TWO WEEKS before he wanted sex, so go figure that one out. Did I complain? Did I say I didn't want to be married anymore? No – of course not, that would be ridiculous.

Also, he's been chatting up this dental office manager where we go for our dentist appointments, and in December he got a date with her. Incidentally, this was on the night I got HOME FROM HOSPITAL after major surgery. She ended up being a no-show, claiming she'd lost his number, and he came home SOOO drunk at 4am that I had to baby-sit him throwing up in the bathroom all night long, whereas I could barely move or stand by myself, as I'd JUST GOT OUT OF HOSPITAL THAT DAY. OMG. Now I read back on that, that was a really shitty thing he did.

Anyway, just last week he called her again to ask her for drinks/dancing and she said yeah great, can't wait etc, then blew him off AGAIN. No call or anything until 4 days later when she said she'd not felt very well that evening. What, so she couldn't call to cancel their date?? He made out that it didn't matter to him, and kind of is in denial about being blown off, but seriously, she's like 26 and a hot hispanic. So that hasn't helped his ego situation.

The idea behind getting a date with Anna (not her real name) was to see if she would be interested in a 3-some with us, just to explain that I was cool with him taking out another chick.

So lately anyway he's been accusing me of all sorts of things...not caring about him anymore, saying that I'm only 'allowing' him to be with other women coz I want to be with other men all the time (not true), and that I will get far more sex than him coz I'm young and attractive and he will feel used. I told him time and time again that I am not interested in having ANY more notches on MY bedpost, and that he is projecting what HE really wants onto me, to cover up the fact that he is insecure.

I'm not like him in that sexual way. Sure maybe 2 or 3 times since we've been together (nearly 4 years) have I thought that I'd like to be intimate with another guy. A lot of guys are cute, but when or rather IF) I have those thoughts, it'd just be crappy sex – it takes a person a LONG time to get to know my body and what I like, so what would be the point in training someone new LOL ? Not interested. A kiss and a feel-up might be nice, but that's it. And he does that all the time at our weekends away anyhow ! I don't complain about it.

Basically he's whining (again) that he's not getting what HE wants out of this marriage, we dont have sex, I dont help around the house blah blah. I can't help him getting older and insecure about his looks or whatever his real issue is.

I also asked him last night, what happened to the multiple conversations we've had – that he instigated – that he said I was the ONLY person EVER that he'd been this emotionally close to and had shared experiences with and that it was amazing and our relationship had become WAY more than he ever could have hoped for or expected, and how lucky he was to be with me. He said 'well... yeah, but you don't care about me anymore, don't look after me when I'm having a bad trip (like when??)' Hmm, and those imagined thoughts outweigh this 'amazing relationship' he has with me and has NEVER had before? Seems like an excuse for something but I can't figure it out.

So this is my early morning depression kicking in.... I signed a pre-nup to say I am entitled to NOTHING, I have no job (I am actually currently trying and have been for a few weeks), no savings, NOTHING at all to get me on my feet should he actually divorce me. Go back to the UK and live off the social?? No way, I'd seriously rather die. 3 days ago I again thought of the ways I could kill myself. SP says that suicide is always a way to 'get back at someone; - like revenge or something. Whatever happened to feeling that life is a dead end, and without your partner (sex or not!) life ISN'T worth living for me?

Of course, just to stick the boot in, he has to bring this up the day before I have an interview for a volunteer job (that could turn into paid) – like he knows I will be in a bad mood all of the next day, almost like he's sabotaging my 'going to work', but at the same time complaining that he is supporting me financially and that we're broke. I told HIM to go see a therapist. I've done it for 3 years, now it's his turn.